#it's a long ass essay who am i kidding

[animentality]

not to be such a boomer, but I think chatgpt is fucking this generation over, at least in terms of critical thinking and creative skills.

I get that it's easy to use and I probably would've used it if I was in school when it came out.

but damn.

y'all can't just write a fucking email?

also people using it to write essays ... i mean what is the point then?

are you gaming the educational system in pursuit of survival, or are you just unwilling to engage critically with anyone or anything?

is this why media literacy is so fucking ass right now?

learning how to write is learning how to express yourself and communicate with others.

you might not be great at it, but writing can help you rearrange the ideas in your brain. the more you try to articulate yourself, the more you understand yourself. all skills can be honed with time, and the value is not in the product. it's in the process.

it's in humans expressing their thoughts to others, in an attempt to improve how we do things, by building upon foundations and evolving old ideas into innovation.

scraping together a mush of ideas from a software that pulls specific, generic phrases from data made by actual humans... what is that going to teach you or anyone else?

it's just old ideas being recycled by a new generation.

a generation I am seriously concerned about, because digital tests have made it very easy to cheat, which means people aren't just throwing away their critical thinking and problem solving abilities, but foundational knowledge too.

like what the hell is anyone going to know in the future? you don't want to make art, you don't want to understand how the world works, you don't want to know about the history of us?

is it because we all know it's ending soon anyway, or is it just because it's difficult, and we don't want to bother with difficult?

maybe it's both.

but. you know what? on that note, maybe it's whatever.

fuck it, right, let's just have an AI generate "therefore" "in conclusion" and "in addition" statements followed by simplistic ideas copy pasted from a kid who actually wrote a paper thirty years ago.

if climate change is killing us all anyway, maybe generative ai is a good thing.

maybe it'll be a digital archive of who we used to be, a shambling corpse that remains long after the consequences of our decisions catch up with us.

maybe it'll be smart enough to talk to itself when there's no one left to talk to.

it'll talk to itself in phrases we once valued, it'll make art derived from people who used to be alive and breathing and feeling, it'll regurgitate our best ideas in an earnest but hollow approximation of our species.

and it'll be the best thing we ever made. the last thing too.

I don't really believe in fate or destiny, I think all of this was a spectacular bit of luck, but that's a poetic end for us.

chatgpt does poetry.

[blu-ish]

Just finished reading and gosh I love this so much. (lemme write an essay about it lol)

LONG ASS POST HSJHSJSH

She is so testing Sonic, using his own morals-- his own PROMISES against him. Because if Sonic says she and Kit can have a second, even third chance... everyone's gonna follow along because he's Sonic. If I was the villain I would use that against the hero too.

He's just gonna end up bringing everyone down with him BECAUSE he believes, because he thinks its the right thing to do.

But here's the thing, he knows its complete bullshit, I 100% got that vibe. He understands somethings up, that it's too easy, hell after experiencing Surge's meltdown while trying to drown him while electrocuting him, there's no way that didn't leave an impression on Sonic about her. (along with a few internal burns lmao)

It's the same thing with the whole Mr. Tinker (Eggman) incident, sure he really DID lose his memory, but Sonic AGAIN forces his ideals and morals onto everyone else for the sake of believing he could turn it around, and his actions affect everyone. (Gawd, Sonic and his problematic savior complex coming to bite him in the ass hsjhsjs it's so good im sorry)

He refuses to change that "second chance" mindset. He's not changing it because of ONE or even TWO bad times that it didn't work out in his favor. Even when they break his trust.

And Surge HATES it, she hates how stupid and naive Sonic is for believing all that, so she's gonna use it against him. To make him a hypocrite, to prove he isn't Mr. Perfect.

Sonic continually emphasizes how some of his friends tried to kill/waste him once or twice before, just to prove his point. But here's the thing, sure Sonic had some role in how they changed but most of that CHANGE was made by THEM not HIM. He can't force them to change, they did that on their own.

Knuckles realized he was being tricked, so he CHOSE to help Sonic and Tails. (He is the guardian of the master emerald after all, that's his JOB, he wasn't just beating Sonic up for the hell of it.)

Shadow's memory was altered, he was grieving, a traumatized kid who was just dealing with Eggman so he could watch the planet explode even if he went down with it. But he wasn't doing it for the hell of it either, he did it BECAUSE he thought his dead sister WANTED him too, to get revenge for her death. Shadow was always kind, he was kind to Rouge, Amy reminded him of Maria, Sonic was there to SHOW him he had a choice, to remind him the world was worth saving, instead of destroying it. EVERYONE helped, not just Sonic. Shadow CHOSE that. (even if he eventually FORGOT thanks SEGA lol)

Surge doesn't have that, she doesn't have the genuine motive to change and I don't think she ever will. (or that she necessarily needs too but I could be wrong ofc) Kit is following her, because he was brainwashed into it yeah (So has Surge into hating Sonic), but that's all said and done, its not "reversable" that's their genuine feelings now-- as awful and terrible as it was for Starline to do that to two freakin kids.

Now she want's to know where she came from, she wants to know the truth, and she's again, following someone's orders to do so. But that's HER choice, she doesn't CARE if it affects others because she feels that no one cares enough about her or Kit to find them after they lost themselves anyways.

But her ultimate goal, is to prove Sonic WRONG, to END him and his "I can do no wrong/everyone likes me" attitude. I for one am hyped to see where they take this next.

[rottenpumpkin13]

Out of Context Shit Heard on the SOLDIER floor #4

A portion of these were sent in/inspired by an ask sent by @strawberrysnortshake

Zack: Ironically this isn't the first time I've accidentally eaten chalk.

Angeal: Attention everyone we're now taking votes. Raise your hand if you would sleep with Sephi—I DIDN'T FINISH SAYING HIS NAME PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN.

Kunsel: We're all out of duct tape. Angeal used the last of it to tape Genesis to the ceiling.

Sephiroth: Are you satisfied with your fish sticks, Zackary?

Genesis: Why does it smell like mommy issues in here—oh hi, Sephiroth.

Zack: I'm officially 23% goat milk.

Genesis: Well well well if it isn't my old nemesis, Heterosexuality.

Zack: Aww! 🥰 You're the antichrist!

Cloud: Yeah you're a SOLDIER alright, a sold your ass.

Zack: Where are we supposed to put this giant clown statue?

Lazard: WHY do you have a giant clown statue?

Sephiroth walking towards Genesis's office with a flamethrower: The goddess has had it good for far too long.

Essai: If we all chip in, we can finally buy Kunsel a face.

Genesis: I guess this means that the box labeled used illegal knick-knacks is off limits?

Roche: let's all dance maniacally and pretend we're gay!

Lazard: ANGEAL THAT ELEVATOR IS COMING OUT OF YOUR PAYCHECK!

Sephiroth: Are you, as the kids say, flexing on 'em?

Zack: Does anyone know what happened to my Sephiroth scented candle?

Sephiroth: I'll add murder supplies and can of whipped cream to the shopping list.

Luxiere: Let me guess, nobody cared about your light up sneakers?

Zack: 🎶 We take the pain out of paint 🎶

Roche: Have a slutty, slutty evening, director.

Angeal: Gen, can you let me have a cup of coffee before you start divulging your theories on why Cloud Strife is a time traveler?

Zack: I am going to default dance my way through hell!

Cloud: Cool trick! I'm a wizard now.

Genesis: I will start rumors about your sex life.

Lazard: Sephiroth I can't fire you, but I can mysteriously make sure you go bald.

Kunsel: This is a cave. Nothing really matters.

Sephiroth: how does one acquire a leprechaun? Can you order one online?

Roche: Commander Rhapsodos is so pretty. He reminds me of a prostitute.

Sephiroth: Genesis got me a journal for my birthday. I think I'm supposed to write down my feelings but I don't have enough pages for that.

Kunsel: when will we be free from the chains of foot pictures?

Genesis: If I find drugs in this office I'm confiscating it for my own personal use.

Lazard: Would anyone care to explain why there was a condom filled with grape jelly in the break room?

Zack(drunk): Good evening, my esteemed bastards.

Angeal: Bullying is only allowed on the SOLDIER floor if it makes Genesis cry.

Sephiroth: Mental healthn't.

Kunsel: is anyone here familiar with the concept of witchcraft? we're hexing Commander Rhapsodos at dawn.

Luxiere: Here kitty kitt—Oh that is a huuuge cat—OH IT'S GENERAL SEPHIROTH.

Angeal: Why did you spell salmonella as Sal Minella???? Who's Sal???

Sephiroth, while walking towards his office with an entire pie and a fork: Do not presume to question my actions.

Lazard: If we suffer any more budget cuts we're going to use Zack's hair as a broom.

Sephiroth: Which one of you locked Director Lazard in the Janitor's closet?

Cloud, watching Genesis recite LOVELESS: The evil gay red man is at it again.

[coolingrosa]

Honestly about nightmare....it upset me quite a bit how he just didn't at all understand why Killer was acting out like this. It felt so obvious? Like with Dust showing up and Killer acting out in response to it....Unless this is a common occurrence? I am really wondering what nightmare thought about this, if he even tried to read Killer and his behaviour or perhaps ask Dust about the relationship between the two. Did he just not think anything about it? Just assume "oh its a kid throwing a tantrum, it'll pass"? Man i'd rly like to know it from his perspective. Maybe he is used to ppl throwing tantrums, considering I am pretty sure error flips out a lot too. I guess the problem hereby lies with the fact error is an immortal and an adult and killer,.,,is not. and nightmare just simple doesn't distinguish the two properly.

But honestly I think nightmare should have known better than to snap at Killer ToT..... I believe that him snapping did ultimately the most damage, error just kinda added a bit more salt to it to be put it simple. After all Killer favoured Nightmare obviously a lot more than Error, he was like a parent figure for him basically. So Nightmare snapping would mean a lot more than what Error says. I don't like how error told Killer that advice though, he basically just told him to "suck it up", in the pretense of "caring" for nightmare and not wanting to see him upset. It feels wrong to say that error cares though, because of how he is STILL stuck in the past. It almost feels like he is talking and giving advice to Killer more for himself than for nightmares sake.

Both error and nightmare are so inexperienced with mortals and so fucking mentally fucked up themselves, I doubt they will act any different unless someone who is a mortal corrects them...And I honestly thought Dust would do it? At one point it felt like he knew why Killer did it, but then it felt like he did not?

ultimate question however: how will nightmare react to Killers change? I wonder if alarm bells will ring or if he will just think that Killers "phase" finally passed. And I fear it'll be the latter.... So sorry for the long ass essay, I have SO many questions AND IT IS SO HARD TO TELL WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN AND HOW THIS MESS OF A MAKE-SHIFT FAMILY IS GOING TO DEVELOPE.....

You’re analysis is so wonderful and definitely the mixed emotions I wanted to give. Especially since good and evil doesn’t exist in Roseverse, just people and their actions. A lot of my YouTube and tiktok dragged on Dream solely for a while due to the limited knowledge, so chapter four was a big drop as it showed just how out of depth and horrible Nightmare and Error could be as well. I’m gonna try to answer each part of this the best I can without revealing too much!

1. Nightmare is used to Killer acting out, which happened a lot in the pilot, so he doesn’t put two and two together that these moments are connected- especially since Killer has never been put in a situation around him to show that he ALSO has jealousy issues as well as self esteem issues. For a while it was just them and sometimes Error in the castle, which Killer never showed an act of jealously towards- only distrust.

2. Nightmare’s perspective won’t be shown a lot in the next Bad Sanses chapter unfortunately, so I’ll try my best to explain his reasoning here. Don’t take it as a defense. I may explain characters and their actions, but at the end of the day, Nightmare is a adult and has a responsibility.

Nightmare’s main flaw (and I can now finally state this) is that he doesn’t care for people who are not under his radar. Saying he doesn’t know much about negative emotions is redundant, but his abilities to help with them have long since faded ever since the loss of Ink. Killer clearly is the product of a teenager with intense mental health issues, and Nightmare never got to see Ink as a bratty teenager. Killer is the only example around him and so he quite frankly sucks at it and sees his outbursts as…well…tantrums. He can’t fully see Killer for what he is and constantly sees him as a child due to his own age, and that belittling makes Killer’s emotions and rightful feelings come across as childish to Nightmare.

The mention of Error is also correct. Nightmare is used to emotional and violent outbursts since he was thirteen- especially from those close to him. Error and Nightmare as children weren’t healthy and Error was an abusive friend. I will always state that. However, though Error improved his ways, Nightmare never fully blamed him for such things and therefore never saw anything wrong with the people he loved lashing out and being hurtful. It’s normal for him- and also not smth to be addressed in his eyes. However, Killer is a child and as the adult, Nightmare has a responsibility to step in and correct his behavior with disciplinary action rather than passiveness. But, of course, he doesn’t until he finally snaps

3. Yeahhh I will say what Error told Killer didn’t bother him too much until he made the comment about Dust. Killer is far too use to the verbal abuse Error shoots at him that it rolled off of him and he was more annoyed Error was still in the room. Error and Killer just aren’t and will never be close enough for their fights to leave any impact. Nightmare, though? After finding out truly what Nightmare is capable of and then being told that? Oh, yeah, Killer is crushed.

4. This was one of the few times Error tried to actually help in his own way. Error doesn’t word himself well, even when being vulnerable. He hoped Killer would understand it as “there’s no need to lash out as ur already here and cared for. So just stop hating urself and others and finally feel secure. “ Was it not so great advice and easy to be misunderstood from what he actually meant? Yea. Did he just COMPLETELY miss the mark on mental health and the struggles of slowly getting over the fear of abandonment and the steps it takes to FEEL that security? YEAH LMAO. But Killer definitely misunderstood him as well. And Error also misunderstood something about Dust as well. I’ll expand more on that in my last point.

5. Dust may be smart, but he can’t put together a case without solid evidence and explanation and due to him not being there from the start, he doesn’t truly understand why Killer is acting like he is. He knows it has something to do with Nightmare, but what that actually is? He can’t know. I believe this won’t be a shock, but Dust does think Killer was being abused by Nightmare and therefore becomes like a guard dog. When Killer jumps him, that ideas gets thrown out the window and Dust is left utterly confused on the motives. He doesn’t hate him, though. He’s just confused, and hurt.

6. And unfortunately, Dust isn’t empathetic enough to be the one to truly understand things. Wonder who will be, though…

7. I cant say too much as that’s a chapter seven thing, but I will say it’s where Gus the immortal frog comes in (Killer’s pet) and given by Nightmare. I’m sure you can put two and two together as to why Nightmare, who is clueless about everything teenager related, is stooping to giving the apathetic Killer a pet 😭

8. Almost forgot this part but Killer is an unreliable narrator. He will always be, and the next bad Sanses chapter will see that, as it won’t be in his perspective solely. Everything he sees and thinks is unreliable. For example, when they reach the au and Dust is slowly blinking at him while Killer demands to know why he came too, Killer takes it as a threat. What if Dust actually doing? Blinking at him like he’s a angry cat bc Dust doesn’t understand emotions and defeats to animal behaviors to help soothe this teenager LMAO

[proseka-headcanons]

hi i'm the guy who wrote a whole ass essay about my fav ships, with Nene as an unwilling match-maker. headcanons for the Shinonomes bc i love them;

- Akito can draw, courtesy of having an artist as a sister. Like, if he decided to pursue art instead of music, he could. His art is almost on par with Ena's. I think that when VBS was too lazy to do a choreography for a song they want to upload on social medias, they'd make Akito make an MV for it lol (ofc the others would help him make it, n25 style)

- I think it's pretty much canon that the Shinonomes have sweet tooth, especially for pancakes and cheesecakes, but i want to expand on that; New dessert shop down the street? they'd already bought the entire menu by the end of the week. New dessert recipe on trend? when Shinonodad (i forgor his name) came home, the kitchen was messy af and the culprits were on the sofa, eating said dessert while watching netflix or smth.

- Adding to that, everytime it's like, Valentine's, or White Day, or any celebration day where cafes and shops would have like, couple discounts, Ena and Akito would pretend to be couple just to get that discount or free dessert. it's the only time they were nice to each other. Mizuki caught them once. She took a photo of them and sent it to the Kamiyama gang gc. An died laughing. Nene said that's actually genius.

- Everytime N25 had a meeting, at one point they'll get the honor of witnessing the fight of the Shinonomes first hand. like, it's so common for the Shinonomes to fight in the dead of night that at this point, Mizuki already prepared popcorns.

- None of them are a morning person. At 6 AM every morning, you will witness the waking up for school Akito and just finished school Ena. They either stare at each other before having a mutual understanding, or the other would somehow trigger the other and they would have a boderline almost physical fight.

- also yes they have fist-fighted each other for at least 5 times in their life. And i just know one of the fight was bc one of them ate the other's cheesecake.

- Akito is trans-masc and Ena is trans-fem. They traded genders.

- They also traded clothes.

- When they came out, Shinei (shinonodad, i remembered his name finally) actually doesn't really care. for how much he's an asshole, he still loves his kids. Shinei just goes "oh, ok" and hugged them. Shinei's not the best parent but he's trying.

- Shinei actually bought Akito a binder. Akito cried.

- WLW and MLM hostility. that's them.

- Akito knows how to style hair. He taught Ena how to do it.

- ENA GOES TO VBS' CONCERTS AND AKITO ALWAYS WAITS FOR N25'S SONGS PREMIERES. they'd rather die than admit that tho.

ok yeah this is getting long enough. i love the Shinonomes sm.

-- also can I call myself unofficial mod Tsukasa from now on :D?

i love. everything. about this. also call yourself whatev you want (im a lil confused about it but as long as no ones going after my name(iwillfindyou(iamtherealakitoshinonome))). ive read so many sad headcannons about akito being able to draw really well, and ena getting so upset about it that he just stopped all together. dont get me wrong, i am an angst enjoyer but man. one of the serious fights theyve had was over akito supposedly "stealing" the only thing ena enjoyed. :( - 🥞

OUGHFHFHHFHFHFGHGHG.... this is all so real I'm sobbing - mod ena

[yepthatsacowalright]

Doctor Who, The Process Of Healing From Trauma, and Me: A Text Post Essay No One Asked For

Back in 2006ish, when I first started watching Doctor Who as a teenager in late high school/early college, it captivated me mind, body, and soul. I ate that early 2000s, broody-complex-hero shit up.

I loved that the Doctor grappled with the guilt and regret from some truly fucked up shit he did, and I loved that he gave the middle finger to it by going on wild, ridiculous-special-effects-ed adventures instead of attempting the mortifying ordeal of opening up about it.

I'm sure, judging by how popular the 2005 version of the show became, a lot of my generation felt similar. 9/11 hadn’t been that long ago. We were coming of age and starting to sense that the world kind of sucked major ass, and perhaps the older generations had been super lying to us about most things this whole time.

As such, Rose Tyler was living the dream as far as I was concerned. Abandoning her place in this bullshit society to go help people and save lives with someone who never settled, who always ran towards the darkness, who found ways to laugh and dance in it even…Rose's lifestyle was goals.

Not only did the Ninth and Tenth Doctor's struggle to opening up about what they'd been through or forgive themselves for it not bother teen me at all, I preferred it. It was understandable and relatable. I wasn't ready to actually look at and deal with any of my own problems either, I just didn't want to pretend like I had none. Admitting there's a problem is the first step, and that's where Nine, Ten, Rose, and me all hung out and had fun.

Rose’s "death" was when I started to feel differently. It wasn't that I didn't still enjoy the show - I kept watching through Martha and Donna's seasons, and also a little bit into Eleven's run - but it wasn't the same. I could never quite get over the loss of Rose, or how the Doctor chose to get over it by doing what he always did - ignore and repress.

It had been much easier to watch the Doctor do this with trauma when I didn't know much about what he'd been through, but every time he avoided the topic of Rose, or minimized who she was, it pissed me off. It felt bad to watch him do that to the memory of someone who mattered.

I was starting to realize that just admitting you had problems wasn't sustainable. I couldn't stay on that first step indefinitely, and Doctor Who didn't feel like it was my show anymore, which was fine. After all, it's a family-friendly series. An episode on intergalactic talk therapy is not going to be a hit with the kids.

I was off to have the one adventure the Doctor never could - to understand and manage my own mental health. Learning about psychology, learning about trauma, going to therapy. I processed, I surprised myself, I found new stories to obsess over that resonated with a different, older version of me.

Whenever I popped back into Doctor Who, it felt more nostalgic than anything else. It reminded me of how I used to feel, and how far I'd come. I had that bittersweet feeling of wishing I could connect with it the way I used to, but being grateful that the reason I couldn't was a positive, therapeutic one.

And then…the 60th Anniversary Specials.

David Tennant didn’t even do anything that different in his performance, and he admits as much in interviews. Trying to replicate what he did as the Tenth wouldn't make sense because he isn't the Tenth, and trying to do something completely new wouldn't make sense because then why bring back David at all?

He just played the role as an actor who's lived 10 more years since the last time he played the role, and brother that shit hit me hard.

All the natural, subtle, perhaps subconscious changes in him made me feel the weight of slightly too many years passing. Despite knowing I am relatively young, l’m at a point in my life where I, for the first time, feel old.

Gray hairs and smile lines that were only on the faces of grownups are now on the faces of me and my friends. I know I don't know it all, and also realize I know even less than I thought I did. Love feels deeper, loss feels heavier. I'm compelled to express feelings of gratitude and affection I used to always keep to myself. Oh, is that who I am now?

I love that the Doctor's body didn't just go back to Ten's face, but to an aged version of Ten's face. A version that would align with the aged version of Donna's. I know this was not a creative choice, it was literally just what David and Catherine look like now, but how perfect for time itself to play a role in the story, too.

I love that the Doctor, at last, had to catch up with what his body was telling him. To notice his feelings and learn what those feelings meant. Like the title of one of my favorite (and extremely relevant to this this post) books says, the body keeps the score.

And I loved the bi-generation.

I loved that Fourteen made the choice to stop and ask his friends to help him do it.

I know that RTD proposed a theory that in that moment all the previous regenerations became bi-generations as well, but I like the idea that all the others could have bi-generated, but didn't. They weren't ready to look at themselves, or ask for that help from anyone. Not until now.

And I love love LOVE Ncuti Gatwa as Fifteen. I love that the healed next Doctor is a millennial. That he is a Doctor who can freely say he loved his friends, he loved Rose, can tell his former self, "I love you."

The show's become such a beautiful portrayal of generational trauma and healing that did not know that's what it was until its end.

And now, it begins again.

[sugar-omi]

(swiftie asker - i love that this is how i've cemented myself here) I'M GOING TO SCREAM TYSM??? HELLO???? WRITER'S FREAK HAS BEEN MATCHED AT 3:30AM ON A THURSDAY????? YOU'RE TELLING ME /THEE/ OLBA BOYS CEO LIKES /MY/ WRITING??????? YOU DON'T GET IT I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE STIMMING SO HARD MY GIRLDICK MIGHT FALL OFF /QUOTE, POS

OHHHHHHHHH YOU MADE SUCH A BIG MISTAKE BRINGING UP TSMWEL. THIS ISN'T EVEN A "HEAR ME OUT" SITUATION IT'S A "YOU WILL SIT DOWN AND YOU WILL LISTEN GODDAMMIT" SITUATION. and to that my ass is FIRMLY planted in this seat and i am slamming a comically overstuffed manila folder onto the table as we speak. starting with "they just ghosted you - now you know what it feels like" and how this line was written for baxter alexander ward. in this essay i will

THE BRIDGE OF THAT SONG. FUCK DUDE I WAS LISTENING TO IT DURING ONE OF MY REPLAYS OF THE BAXTER DLC AND I WAS LITERALLY IN TEARS. MY KEYBOARD WAS GETTING WATERLOGGED AS I SAT THERE. I AM SO GLAD YOU BROUGHT THIS UP BECAUSE BOY OH BOY DO I HAVE SOME SHIT TO SPIT.

"in fifty years, will all this be declassified? and you'll confess why you did it, and i'll say 'good riddance'." FIFTY YEARS IS FIVE IF YOU SQUINT. IT JUST MATCHES UP TOO PERFECTLY SO IT OFFICIALLY WORKS NOW. THAT'S GIRL MATH. the way baxter eventually tells mc why he did what he did and by then it might be too late for mc to forgive him (cough. 'and i'll forget you but i'll never forgive...')

"you crashed my party and your rental car" IT'S LITERALLY TOO PERFECT??? HELLO????? THE PARTY PLANNING MOMENT AND THE CHAUFFEUR BULLSHIT HE WAS ON???????

"you said normal girls were boring, but you were gone by the morning" YOU WERE GONE BY THE MORNING. YOU W. WWWHAHATT THEF UCKKKKK.

you're literally cooking up a fucking FEAST with the prechorus lyric though because was that his goal? it very well could have been - baxter could have stepped out of that cab, taken one look at mc, and decided they would be the one he strung along. because what if he was well aware of just how much it hurt others for him to become a normalcy then a novelty all over again - and he still couldn't stay away from dangling their heartstrings from his fingers like ribbons, if only to at least feel some semblance of control over his life anymore? he was just some hurt kid - barely, if at all, but semantics - but that never gave him the right to hurt those around him in the way that he did. what right does the smallest man who ever lived have to strike a deal with the devil, then act surprised when the blood's on his hands?

COUGHCOGUHGVOCH BUT AHAHAHA ANYWAYS. making those little shoo motions with my hands, go rest up silly!! i'm more than thrilled that you've stuck with me and my brainworms for this long, and you most definitely deserve the best of rests omgomg 🫶🏼🫶🏼

LMAOOO NO NOT THE QUOTE. I HAVENT HEARD THAT IN FOREVER

idk about ceo but I'm honestly happy my words are worthy of such a happy reaction 🤭

ALSO "what right does the smallest man who ever lived have to make a deal with the devil, then act surprised when the bloods on his hands?" I WILL LITERALLY JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. STOP. IM IN TEARS??? GENUINELY?????

someone put that on a billboard, I'm so serious.

but omg, to ride off the "you said normal girls were boring, but you were gone by the morning" and everything you said about baxter doing it on purpose...

baxter stepping out and seeing you wait with cove for your new neighbor for the summer, maybe remembering you sneaking into the soiree with derek or sneaking into your soiree and dancing with you charmingly.

either way, regardless of if you snuck across the lawn or shared a dance with pre-teen baxter, he finds you charming. ethereal. captivating.

no one would wait for a random neighbor if they weren't sweeter than pie, and no one should welcome him so warmly, approach him even if shyly, if they weren't special.

you're special. he can see it. he feels it.

and I've said it before, baxter knows your life has been small. confined to this little street in this little town, so small it's hardly a blip on the map.

he knows you're curious, enthralled by this mystery next door to you. but if you had grown up next to him, you wouldn't be so curious.

you'd have known how pompous and arrogant he was. how simple his thinking was.

and he tries to keep his affection with you surface level. tries to keep it to just a summer fling, something to satisfy your curiosity, to get you to stop looking at him like that. to make his heart stop yearning and for his eyes to stop wandering to you...

holds your hand, visits you in the middle of the night to tell you he's home, but too shy to say he misses you. doesn't wanna give you that inch over him, doesn't want to make this more than what it is. because it's just a fling, and you're just temporary warmth for him cold heart.

won't admit you're the only one to make him feel this warm. will never even think to himself that you are full of love and he's willing to step into the ocean of your loving arms, for fear that he'll drown in it.

everything is about money. everyone uses each other. his parents taught him that much.

love is fickle, love is too sensitive, and baxter knows he's a bulldozer. his edges are too sharp for such tenderness.

but in front of you, in the end, he does as he wants as he always does.

he doesn't take it further in the hotel room, doesn't tell you he missed you, doesn't keep his "confession" to himself.

because he's selfish. he knows this could end badly, not all his break ups have been smooth. but he wants to know what it feels like to be loved by someone special. what's to know what it's like for someone special to call out to him, touch him, yearn for him. seek him out and still pull him closer for more...

he just wants it to be like a movie, just for a little while. he wants that coming of age summer love that the movies produce, and he wants to live out fairytales that his baby sitter read to him.

even if it's at the cost of you... maybe that dark part of him hopes he leaves a dent in you so deep that you feel it years later and still remember his name. he wants you to yearn for him like he yearns for normalcy, for human warmth and affection.

but he also hopes that you forget him and that he's the only one who yearns so painfully. that his heart is the only one who aches at the end of the night, and you forget these summer nights.

it's selfish. he's so selfish. he wants too much even though he tries not to want anything at all.

that's why, even though he hopes you'll just let him go easily once summer ends, he wants some nice memories. he wants to be genuinely happy, wants to "love" and be "loved" in return.

and you're right. he striked a deal with the devil and signed away his tiring fate for "control" over his life, even if it meant trading broken hearts and morality, his humanity for it.

but even though he knew the deal he signed, seeing you cry or get angry is much different than imagining it. it hits much harder than he never thought, having chosen to ignore the fate of your summer fling. he couldn't bare to imagine it, but he didn't think about how to bare seeing it.

and even though his heart aches, he feels bad for you. feels bad for himself in many ways, a mix of self hate and guilt and desperation sinks its teeth into his stomach and gnawed on his insides with a gluttonous hunger.

even with those feelings, he glares at you, reminds you cruelly that this was the only fate for this relationship, and it wouldn't end any other way, and that you are the one wasting your energy getting upset over a fate he "predicted."

but even though he says that... even though he slams the door on you... even though he's the one who blocked your phone number... why is he the one who is unable to move on? why is he the one who sees your face and hears your voice and feels your touch in every person that tries to fill your place.

and why is he the one looking at your window, hoping the lights are still on and you're still waiting.

(and why, after all these years, does he cry when he sees they are off.)

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

I don’t believe in Canon Events, but I this theory on how they might work.

My idea is that if you jump to another universe and change stuff in that universe by your own doing! (Not helping, helping is a different case) so let me break it down even further.

Miguel went to a universe not of his own, and impersonated a dead version of himself. He wasn't supposed to change things there since it's not his home universe.

In Gwen’s universe. Gwen’s father quit the police force, so he’s not going to be a police captain. So that canon event is not going to happen.

Basically, canon events can be altered but they have to done by the Spider-Man/Spider-Woman in their original universe.

So with Miles situation, he can save his father and the universe would be fine but if someone like Peter B. saved him the universe would crash.

What do you think?

. . .

Okay, I had been staring at this question for days (make it two months now, fuck I am sorry.), unsure of how to answer, and not for the reasons you may like.

So, I kind of have two answers for this:

If this is for a story, fic/comic on your own? I think is a good idea! It works perfectly fine, and it could lead to some really interesting possibilities in the right hands.

Now, as for this being the explanation of why things are happening how are happening? ...Boy how I phrase this.

This is really, the thing that has been taking me so goddamn long to answer this question; and is honestly more my own fault than anything else, I can tell you that much.

So, here is the thing, is this plausible? Yes, it could be the case.

Here is the part that has been making me trip for 2 months: Why you believe this is the case?

Let me tell you guys something about me: I don't make long essays with screenshots and receipts because I'm some snotty asshole who thinks is smarter than everyone, is actually pretty much the opposite: I trust my own judgment so little I make long ass explanations with proof from the canon material, to show that I am not pulling things out of my ass because I would not assume anyone would believe me otherwise.

You are going in the right direction with this, you are looking at the problem, the different pieces, and trying to make sense of it. But what I am going with all of this, is to try to look into why you think this is the answer to this puzzle, instead of something else.

This reminds me to something I heard growing up, from edgy classmates who liked to be a contrarian "Who says g-d exist, instead of things happening because an invisible wizard is doing catastrophe happen across the globe in his Antarctic resident?"

As you can see this is an absurd example brought by some 11 yo kid who loved being a shit head, however it does bring up a valid point: You can't prove that wizard doesn't exist, but in exchange, he couldn't prove the wizard existed, either.

Something being plausible is not enough most of the time, even when people heard something plausible and believe it, is normally because they already had per-conceived notions that made them skew in that direction.

You asked for my opinion at the end of your post, so I am giving you my honest answer: I don't believe in Canon event, none of them, because the prime example of one going wrong has more holes than a gruyere cheese, and nothing in either movie has made me think they are real.

This is what I am asking from you: Do you think Canon Events can be true under certain circumstances? Why these circumstances, rather than them being fully nonsense, or working exactly as Miguel said they did? What was the reason you thought this works this way, and no other?

I am asking you this because there may be a logic only you can see, there may be a way to see these scenes, this story, on a way that makes your theory make more sense and be more cohesive than my arguments, I can fully think this is the case.

But you are the one with the theory, meaning you are the only one with the eyes able to see the rest of this thread. Maybe you subconsciously came up with this theory because there are parts of the movie that point on this direction.

So go for it, go down the rabbit hole and see what you find.

[rweoutofthewoods]

hey,

just saw the ask about someone discussing ur characterisation of James in young blood and how they thought he wasn’t a ‘baddie’ and that he was ‘not cool’ (btw this isn’t like hate to the person who asked this or anything incase u reply to this publicly and they see this, ik they said they don’t mean it as hate, I’m just saying what I was thinking cause I think the difference is interesting I guess🫣 so all love!!! ANYWAYS.)

I just thought it was interesting cause I did not get that vibe at all from James in the story. What I got from it was that James was actually cool in juvie, in a lowkey probably a little shit, who is funny and annoyingly endearing kinda way. I also thought he was a ‘badass’ in his own kinda way. But I don’t rlly think ‘badass’ is the best way to describe him in this fic tho, i think it’s more he is very capable and able at holding his own but he’s not like some intimidating, cool and mysterious typical badass (I’ve written this word too many times I hate it now😔) like what I feel Regulus is more like. And I also did get the impression he was a ‘bad kid’ but in a more ‘ I was a good kid and I’m a good kid in my core but something shit happened to me so now I’m acting out and doing bad things cause I don’t know how to properly deal with what’s happened to me , people expect it of me and this is my coping mechanism plus the whole getting myself hurt makes me feel better in a way kinda way (that doesn’t make sense I don’t think BUT WE MOVE) and he doesn’t come across as supposed to have been some teen who was out here doing all this mega bad boy (ew I don’t like that phrase but I’m using it anyways) crimes, but more like enough to get u in juvie ones and be significantly concerning. I could ramble more cause that fat ass paragraph doesn’t even fully express what I got from the way u wrote James. But just overall I think it’s interesting how ppl can get different things out of the same piece of writing. Also sorry if what I interpreted it as, is not what you were looking for, it probs did come across the way u wanted I’m just shit at explaining well and concisely lol.

ALSO (sorry if u hate me for this 10k essay oopsies) the thing about u worrying that James seems OOC but saying he’s not, ur just portraying the effects of childhood. I PERSONALLY DID NOT READ IT AND THINK HE WAS OOC, PLEASE DO NOT STRESS ABOUT IT UR WRITING IS FABULOUS AND IM VERY MUCH GETTING WHAT UR PUTTING ACROSS. Like u can tell by the way James acts with his friends and his internal monologue that he would be what some people more typically see James as, but it’s his trauma which is preventing him from properly being so. Like it’s just this road block. AND EVEN IF HE DOES GET OOC ITS REALISTIC WHO CARES, ILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO DOES, ITS UR FIC(unless you care then I apologise queen) but it’s so realistic like I went through a rlly shitty thing in my early teenage years and personally I think I’m a completely different person cause of it, and it’s interesting to read the way James changes because of what happens to him. Personally, I rlly like the way u write James (omd especially in EOITV I just want to gush over that fic for a second, it’s chefs kiss I love it so much, thank you for creating it, your mind is a wonderful place) I like how he can be a bit more messy, it’s interesting (also that reminds me another reason why I don’t think he’s spineless in young blood, cause he had a go at Regulus when they were fighting and I was like YEAH I KNOW U CAN SAY UNFAIR THINGS BUT ALSO STANDING UP FOR URSELF AND ACTING OUT AND NOT BEING PERFECT YAY, cause sometimes I do see James written in situations like that where he just takes it (nothing wrong with that I just personally prefer where he can gives just as good as he gets sometimes!:)))).

I need to stfu this is way to long, I’m actually embarrassed and scared u think I’m like some obsessed weirdo, I’m not I promise, it’s just 2:30 am and the most common feedback I get on school essays is ‘stop the waffle’. So long ass pieces of writing tend to be a bit too familiar with me 😔

okay last bit I promise, but THE AMOUNT OF NEW FICS U HAVE AND THE RATE U BANG THEM OUT?!?!, whenever I come to your blog and see a post about a new fic, I’m like wow your insane but in the best way possible cause how is this possible?! How are you able to do this?! This is so impressive ?!😭 Cause ur fics r to such a good writing standard and each one is so unique and different to each other, I run around my room in excitement each time u post a new chapter.

I could go on but I won’t because the fear of appearing a tinsy bit insane is real and idk if this is overwhelming, but yeha sorry, my waffling tendencies can be my downfall 😭

but uhhhhh Yeha overall, your writing and ability to write is very impressive, bye 😗😁

Hello!! I can’t answer you privately bc ur anon so I’ll start by saying: that ask? No lingering thoughts or feelings about it whatsoever and this reply is not even going to be about that, just what you’ve said. I can’t imagine how much time it took you to write all that because it takes me FOREVER to write replies to asks, so I appreciate your time and ofc have to write you a response because I’m honored <33

Just on the subject on Youngblood James. You put it perfectly and I think I said this in my end notes vaguely—childhood trauma changes EVERYTHING. Exactly as you said, I myself had a pretty shitty childhood and I think I’d be an entirely different person if I’d grown up differently. I got BPD out of it (😭) and Youngblood James got some pretty fucked up mental health and coping skills. And it was my hope that seeing James thru Reg’s POV and seeing his relationship with his friends etc. that you’d be able to see there’s still some of that James Potter we know and love, BUT part of James’ canon character (or fanon idk) is that he grew up comfortably, privileged, with two loving parents, getting whatever he wanted. We see it in canon with how cocky and in need of some humbling he was, and Youngblood James got way more than humbled, his life got blown to bits and while he was very, very, young. Before he even would have been Hogwarts age in canon. SO, I don’t think he’s OOC at all, I think he’s exactly who he’d be if those things happened to him. And I put a lot of thought into his character and his actions. So me fearing him seeming OOC is really just that I can put things out into the world but I never have any idea how it will be taken or if my intentions will be realized.

I didn’t intend for him to be badass at all because like… James’ crimes were all really in efforts to self-destruct. Him fighting people he did because he wanted to be hurt. Stealing a car? Well… we know by now how that ended. I also will note I didn’t intend reg to be badass either (tho maybe his character naturally is a little bit) because Youngblood isn’t about that, or how cool it is to commit crimes. it’s about how fucked up the system is, how childhood trauma lingers, how we need to do more to support and help kids in need instead of writing them off. So many kids act out or get in trouble because of much deeper reasons than them just wanting to cause trouble. And I say this as someone who was a kid who acted out, and who also recently as a more straight and narrow adult now, had their car fucking vandalized and literally SHOT AT by a bunch of kids. But I can look at those kids in real life, in my town, and I know the families they come from, I know there’s things going on behind closed doors. And yeah, was I pissed? Ofc, actually I was pretty devastated. I worked 7 days a week to buy that car and it was my first. there being reasons doesn’t make their actions okay, but I can also see that here in real life, children are being failed when they’ve barely had a chance at life yet. And Youngblood is really my attempt to humanize these issues and draw light to how we may be failing children. ANYWAY there was my long winded rant. I lost the plot a bit tbh but I could go on about Youngblood 😭

So in short, James in my opinion is not OOC, and ur right he is not weak either, because trauma and mental health issues doesn’t equate to weak. I think you exactly hit the nail on the head and it’s always appreciated when I feel like someone really gets my characters. My James is my James, and he’ll always be so special to me, every single version, because no matter what universe I throw him in, I always know exactly who he is and what makes him that way.

This is so long, I don’t really expect anyone to read this but you (hopefully), but this is just for you anyway <33 I appreciate all your kind words and interesting thoughts and I love how you said it’s interesting that ppl can read the same thing and get something different out of it. Because the amount of times I’ve written something and realized ppl got something entirely different than I’d expect honestly shocks me. And sometimes it’s sad if ppl miss my point, but mostly I think it’s beautiful that we can all interpret things differently.

Hope you have the best week and life is treating you warmly xx

[alvivaarts]

oi i’m like two weeks late but 6 from the artist ask game??????

Ay no worries you're the first person who's asked anything from it! (insert confetti here).

6. Anything that might inspire you subconsciously (i.e. this horse wasn't supposed to look like the Last Unicorn but I see it)

Tbh I focus on a lot of theoretical biology for my mer stuff, for those I'd have to say either the 'ology' books and/or the Spiderwick Chronicles. I just love to break down the creatures in a practical or scientific way, but add into it like. More based in reality biology and anatomy and stuff.

Above are some of my favorite 'ology' books, and below are some of my favorite Spiderwick monsters! (Not to mention, the entirety of the SCP wiki. I live there some nights)

Oh yeah, and not to mention I also loved the How to Train Your Dragon and Neverland Fairies books as a kid.

Otherwise, I really enjoy werewolf movies. Like super really enjoy werewolf movies, my personal fav being An American Werewolf in London. I've found myself writing a lot of essays about the psychoanalysis of lycanthropy and werewolf transformation in film, as well as trying to subvert traditional lycanthropic themes in my academic art. But! I will always love werewolves. Here's a link to my favorite part of the movie, the transformation! (Warning for nudity (David Naughton's butt) and a lot of screaming and agony and some AWESOME practical effects. No CGI here!)

Second to last, I super love tarot symbolism such as seen in Dragon Age Inquisition. I used to run an Etsy (before I realized Etsy was stealing 2k a month from me) where I made custom handpainted tarot decks, my pride and joy being my Attack on Titan deck, though I had plans to expand to other fandoms including Critical Role, my own take on the Dragon Age tarot, SCP, etc. And a lot of others people requested.

Finally, I grew up non-denominational (and still am), so I find religious symbolism to be really prevalent, especially in my more recent works. Such as but not limited to sacrifice, lambs, the innocent, community, undeath, etc etc. Probably because of the severe lack of genuinely beautiful places to worship in my home country. Tbh, that's probably why I always end up playing an aasimar bard or monk in D&D.

I think those would be my subconscious inspirations, at least those that I could think of after sitting here for a bit. Other than that, I love dark fantasy and medieval style fantasy games like D&D, Dragon Age, and so forth. And media like the X-Men, Stranger Things, Lord of the Rings, Ghibli films, and a handful of anime that I find really fun! (FALIN ART INCOMING hOLY SHI-) Other than that I really aspire to reach the lever of artwork of Alphonse Mucha and traditional early renaissance artists like the classic greats. Aka the namesakes of the Ninja Turtles. I know I won't ever get there, but it's still very fun to try and emulate!

(Funnily enough I was never allowed to watch stuff like H2O, Winx Club, or much else along those veins) Sorry for the long ass answer, but this's been a fun exercise to figure out some stuff and to share!

Here's the Weirdly Specific Artist Ask Game for anyone else who wants to join the fun!

[rizaposting]

Tagged by @quiet-nocturne! Thank you!! :] I love to waste time (my ass is NOT working)

are you named after anyone? My middle name, yeah! Named after my maternal grandfather who passed away before I was born. I actually don't know why my parents chose my first name--I think they just liked it

when was the last time you cried? Oh Babygirl like 20 minutes ago. I was thinking of a song that makes me emotional (not even listening to it!!!) and I had to wipe my eyes and sniffle pathetically. I'm such a crybaby it's embarrassing, I angry cry too, which is the WORST

do you have kids? No :[ but I want kids really viscerally it's kind of embarrassing

do you use sarcasm a lot? Yeah, and I'm trying to be better about using tone indicators ngjngjkdjkgnkjd

what sports do you play? Haha. I go for a walk around the neighborhood sometimes. I'd love to get back into swimming casually!

what’s the first thing you notice about people? This is maybe a weird thing to say, but their overall color palette? Like if you squint so you can only see the patterns of colors of their outfit and their skin tone/eye/hair.... Like a goddamn raptor I guess

what’s your eye color? Green. Kind of a light, very yellow-leaning green.

scary movies or happy endings? I like both!!! :] I'm really really into horror but I am also a sap and a lover and a romantic and I like happy endings.

any special talents? HAHA. Well. I used to have a really uncanny memory but my brain has been kind of fucked up lately. Do you want to learn how to do a Gram stain? I can teach you how to do a Gram stain. I'm also really good at pouring agar plates. Are these anything.

where were you born? New England -calls a drinking fountain a "bubbler" to do psychic damage to everyone around me-

what are your hobbies? Drawing and writing! I only started writing for fun in ~2022, but I've been drawing digitally since like... 2007. I also like to listen to hours long video essays on things I may or may not care about.

do you have any pets? I have a corn snake named Fion who is the nastiest corn snake I've ever met in my life and is an escape master like no other. Girl has escaped containment in my car THREE TIMES. I love her but she has cage aggression and only recently came out of a self-imposed 6 month brumation. Girl.

I had thought fleetingly about breeding her but now I know I have to keep her STANK DISPOSITION out of the gene pool.

how tall are you? 5' 3"/160cm. La Creatura height.

favorite subject in school? Biology! Microbiology specifically. My favorite courses in college were: a course called "pathogenic microbes", an independent study I did for virology, and immunology. Immunology was really tough but also really rewarding. None of the classes I took in grad school were informative or rewarding lmfao

dream job? Gremlin locked in a room doing 100 Gram stains a day. Honestly, I loved teaching my introductory microbio lab course!!! The foundations are really hands-on and it's so rewarding seeing the kids have fun and watch things click in their brain.

Either that or like... a woodworker snkfsdjsfdnkdsn I'm honestly so close to giving up on science because the job market is in shambles right now. I worked as a theatre set carpenter in college and I really loved getting to work with my hands, so maybe it's time to return to something like that

tagginnnnnnnnggggg: @phoenixfangs, @milekael, @littlewitchbee and @scienceoftheidiot (if you want, no pressure!!! Also if you see this and want to do it I'm tagging you oooo do it I dare you oooo)

[eastereggie]

woohoo !! didnt except to respond to this whole essay (for more context, im talking about the document jay made about the drama in the kaeloo fandom lol) considering the fact that its basically just 222 pages of insults towards random (and especially her mental state -who tf do you think you are btw) and then pretending to be a saint by randomly saying "b-but ! i dont h-hate you guys 🥺". i knew that this whole "call-out post" would be bullshit, but thats just low. really, really low. i figured that you and your little friends (or should i refer to yall as a cult too ? since we're going in the extremes :)) were mostly just here to insult people and play the victims, but i didnt think it would be that bad. i wont say much about whats in the document because i think its randoms place to do so, since its basically just a long ass diss to her, but i still wanted to write a short response. am i allowed to though ? i mean, as a teen (even if im 18 in a few months, ive been called underage in your document so ill go with that) i can draw and read explicit content to explore my sexuality 🥺🥺 but i cant think for myself right ? :/ thats too bad. i cant agree with my friends because that would also mean that im a yes-man and that im being manipulated or wtv helps you sleep at night lol

this is just to respond to the little part that has been directly adressed to me: if my answers are short when the drama is brought up its because...i actually dont give that much of a fuck about the drama itself. do i think that you guys are gross for writing and drawing porn of children and animals ? yes, i do. would i care if you just stayed in your own server to share that shit to your "safe place" ? absolutely not. you do you. that is none of my problems if you dont bring it up in a space you share with KIDS. thats the whole problem with you. you posted your disgusting content in websites where kids will obviously find. as an adult, you must be really naive to think that they will just read your warning and think: oh yeah !! ill just move on to a new fic :3 !!

they are kids. this is a kid show. obviously, you are sharing your fandom with kids, and you have to be careful about that. that is your responsibility, whether you like it or not. you cannot except to be appreciated and respected when you write porn about kids, in a fandom full of kids. if you genuinely, truly believe that everyone should accept you for that...then man, theres nothing i can do for you. but you know, you could share your things since you cherish them so much in patreon or in your discord server if its too explicit, but ao3 ? wattpad ? the stm ? those are FILLED with young teens. i can't believe you're whining about having to respect rules to coexist in a fandom of a show about kids with kids...wild

again, this is my OPINION. i cannot force you to not like...well, the things that you like... but i can definitely call you out if you're sharing that to kids, even if its indirectly and that you put warnings or whatever. you need to be cautious about the members of the fandom. if you're unhappy about this, then leave the space that isnt for you.

as i said, this happens in many fandoms filled with minors: bunch of adults are weird. they're being called out for being weird. they cry about it and create a group. they call people who call them weird, weird. its really common. thats why the center of the drama isnt new or interesting to me. thats why i dont write essays whenever it is brought up in the main server, or when nsfw fics were posted there. creeps exist in EVERY FANDOMS. do i still think its good to call them out ? totally. but that explain why i:

1. didn't really say anything when jay were posting their fics. since they agreed with us on the topic of kaeloo fics with nsfw but still were posting them, i figured out that there was not point in arguing. i just ignored the weird parts of the stories or simply didnt read anything. i dont like conflicts, and had a lot going on (still do), so i didnt speak about it before. thats my bad though: even if jay wouldnt have cared because they have a different opinion than me about aging up characters apparently, i shouldve said something whenever i had the chance and not only when the subject of fics with porn was brought up, and i take full responsibility. but you must know that i do not support those type of works and never have said that i do. whenever we spoke about it, i made it very clear that it was gross and that i dont agree with it at all. to tlak about jay's fics again, i mostly was enthusiastic about all the parts where sex wasnt involved (about the ss of me talking about jays fic about pregnancy, i loved seeing how mr cat and kae would act as soon-to-be parents ! i think its cute !! do not mean that i agree with writing full scenes about how that child is made).

jay has great ideas, thats why i liked their work so much. i will never pretend that i hate EVERYTHING that they do. theyve wrote and drew great stuff, and just because i dont agree with them as a person doesnt mean that ill ignore that or the compliments that ive given to them. i admire a lot of their work and didnt lie about any nice things ive said to them. this is not all white or all black.

2. didnt write really big responses in the STM. this is a server about kaeloo. the drama isnt really brought up there, except when its important or at the start of it. with college, job, family issues and the start of adulthood soon, i do not have time to be on discord in the first place. either im here for a brief moment, or i can be active when everyone is asleep so they already said everything i had in mind and all i can say is "yes" to messages i agree with and "no" to messages i dont. you do not know me, and if you genuinely believe that this is all i think about what is happening, then you're just extremely stupid...obv i wont talk about everything i think in details in the STM, or rub it in your face.

the only reason why im involved is because you're harassing my friend and i do not want her to suffer alone. its as simple as that. i will always support my friends in public, and correct them in private if i think they did something wrong. is random perfect ? do i think that she does no wrong ? ofc not. i'll always tell her if i think that she's not doing something right, the only difference is that i'll tell her in private, not in a discord server. how do you except anyone to listen to you if you already don't respect them enough to confront them privately and privately only ?

i think ive spoken for my part and i will not speak for any other people involved in this ridiculous drama. i think this is all really a personal issue with random (and also khamil apparently) and i do not believe that it's my place to speak for any of them. as i think your friend said, which i think is true, im not relevant in this drama, and again im just really here to support random but also to express myself when i think that its a general matter.

so ill conclude this by saying that this is a really disappointing document. posting the insults that have been told to my friend, for no reasons other than hurting her, giving her a few really serious and uncalled for diagnosis, posting her vents from when she was a teen to make her feel vulnerable, posting hateful and ableist comments about her publicly, posting comments of people insulting vulnerable members who need to vent and more...that is so, so petty.

jay, i didnt know you for long and we weren't super close, but i still liked you a lot (/p ofc). i know you'd love to think that you're the victim and that we are all just shit talkers who hated you or whatever, but that is not the case. reading the messages of the drama after the drama has been shocking. reading your tumblr posts, reading what your friends said to my friend, reading your document, all of that have been so disappointing. not here to play violins and act dramatic btw, this is just a fact i wanted to share.

theres a lot of things unsaid, but i think that it's really random's place to speak about it, not me or anyone else. id like to respect her opinion in all of this, so ive only really spoken about what i generally think :] !! that being said, i wont post this seriously about whats going on anymore except if i need to, thats why im blocking a few people too. i want to enjoy my post without child porn being rubbed in my face. i really feel like all this other part of the fandom wants is attention, so i wont focus my whole tumblr on them lol, but calling them out is still important to me. i dont except them to change their ways since they look so sure of themselves, but anyone can dream, right ? sorry about how disorganised it is, or if my english is bad and also for my spelling mistakes lmao 🤸🤸 ty for reading this far though !! please check out random's response when it comes out !!

[biopanik]

The Morality of Fandom Activities

This might as well be an essay, so apologies for my long asf post. Just a few heads up: this is in no way talking about people who support incest irl and MAPS. Those are extreme cases that I'm not qualified myself to talk about, I only know that I don't want them on my page 😭

I stopped having a very active social media presence when I was finishing high school. For me, this was a huge deal, because as the token weird queer kid all my life, Tumblr and fandom culture provided a safe space for self-expression, developing my writing skills and exploring myself. Fandoms usually play a huge role for teens, since their interactions and their experiences shape their mindsets into the primary form their adult brain takes. Whenever I look at my old posts, I can see the points where I was maturing, I could see my opinions change very clearly without always connecting old posts to significant life events.

What is very important to take into account is that I was in ALL the "red flag" fandoms, even some niche ones. BNHA, Homestuck, RWBY, Okegom, Voltron, you name it. I was into it, I had Instagram edits of it saved on my phone. As a result, I am familiar with all kinds of fujoshi, yuri bros, proshippers, etc. I'm not here to inform you about my entire digital footprint though. I'm here to discuss fandom morality. Fair warning, I will be referring to a bunch of dark themes vaguely.

I want to start by saying I understand the appeal of a toxic ship. A ship that is straight-up problematic given the context of the story. Be it because the characters are abusive to each other, a very big age gap or them being blood relatives - I get it, even if I'm one of the people who's easily repelled by this shit. I get why Junjou Romantica, for example, became so popular. The big body proportions, the "forbidden romance" trope, the guilty pleasure, I get it. I understand how nerdy young women would fawn over yaoi because they craved a soft male touch. I understand the south park proshippers because they inserted their younger selves into the characters and imagined scenarios where their own fucked-up childhoods would make sense.

My experience with Funamusea helped me understand that things that are taboo can be appealing in a fictional form. There were a lot of issues because the horror used in Funa's games was centered around sexual battery and assault. To me, that made perfect sense. Funa games are packed to the brim with gore, war, mental abuse, and disturbing characters. Of course, there would be SA in such a fucked up setting. Rape is a horrifying thing that no one should face because it is a subcategory of violence. VIOLENCE IS SOMETHING NO ONE SHOULD EVER COME ACROSS. Therefore, why is it that people who write stories containing this trope receive so much hate, but 1940s war aus for example get praised? Why is FMA a pacifist masterpiece and not torture porn?

For "glorifying" real-life horrors? Triggering people? Let's broaden this.

Think of your favorite slasher film. Your favorite best-seller horror book. Do you think that the people behind these stories are freaks and murderers? Psychopaths are capable of fitting in anywhere they want, even fucking churches. So it is useless to assume creators are moral instigators for their VILLAINS. Now let's think about Colleen Hoover and Sara J Maas (or as I like to call her, Sara J Ass). Their "love" stories are super popular because of the immense marketing that they have received, despite profiting off romanticized harmful content. Backlash is still minimized in contrast to anime niche, because they are backed by million-dollar industries and the fact that they conform to the norms of a straight story. Although that, is a topic for another discussion - how problematic characteristics are "musts" in irl relationships.

Lastly, I want to talk about the so-called community saviors who want to protect these platforms. Those who want to build a safe environment so that no predators infiltrate our sacred grounds where we discuss Persona 5 ABO dynamics. A lot of them are oftentimes victims of this sort of abuse. I myself have come across groomers. But tbh 15yo kids who reblog Shiro X Keith are not really the enemy? Anyway, that's a little besides the point. I want to directly talk to these people right now, hear me out: you are hypocrites. You only pretend to care about Tumblr communities but do not hesitate to accuse someone of abuse (any kind) and tell them to end their life. How are you protecting anyone like this? How are you a positive role model for the children partaking in fandom activities when you show clearly that you wish death upon someone. VIOLENCE IS SOMETHING NO ONE SHOULD EVER COME ACROSS, I re-iterate and you possibly agree, but YOU ARE STILL VIOLENT, and justify it by being "virtuous". How are you any different from @\hivliving? Her actions will forever be engraved in her victims' heads, even if she was humiliated in the end. Then again, it would have been better for her to write a shitty low-quality fic about Hamilton having HIV or whatever the fuck, if looking up basic things about HIV was so difficult. After 7 years in & out of fandoms, there's one thing I'm fine with, and that's bad fics.

Ultimately there is so much more I want to say. I might cover this topic on my bestie and I's podcast sometime (soz it's in Greek). The bottom line here though is not about keeping a neutral stance on problematic media. It is to enjoy whatever the fuck you want just because it makes you happy. It is to differentiate what's a wolf in sheep's clothing from what's a sheep. It is to accept that kids will ALWAYS lie about their age to access all sorts of NSFW. God knows I did so. It is to recognize them and realize that their creators and fans are most likely not going to act out every bad thing that occurs in said story. Because if that were the case, with the rise of all the Yeagerists, we'd have so many bitchless college students trying to start little rumblings of their own, and the world would be a much funnier place.

Now go outside and spread your moral philosophies to people outside your Discord server

[thatinsufferablenerd]

Post Spooky Update

The weather is slowly cooling off here finally. Spooky Season is over and another year has gone by without reading any scary books or movies like I say I’m gonna do every year. I’ve been enjoying all the festive content in my different social media feeds instead. Horror book recs from BookTube, video essays that analyze aspects of the horror genre, discussions of films or anime that set the mood. I probably should be more embarrassed of how much YouTube I watch, but seeing as I’m a housewife with a passion for learning and too many interests to succinctly sum up, I’m not going to lose too much sleep over it. 

I wish I did have some mood appropriate reads to tell you about. I love books, I love storytelling, I love getting lost in a good book, but my ability to actually get into–let alone through–books has atrophied so much I’ve concluded it’s a Me ProblemTM. When I was young, in elementary and middle school, I could read a book a day. I DID for a long time, exchanging the one I just finished for something new during lunch. And then I got older. I got into movies and writing, I had a job, then I had longer hours, then I had kids that I stayed home with. The library was too far to walk to, we didn’t have money to buy books, and I was too tired to read them anyway. It was easier to focus on honing my craft of writing because it was simpler to hit the backspace button when a toddler smacked my keyboard than risk a library book.

And I regret that. The act of consuming story and pure, distilled joy I get from them is a core part of who I am. If I didn’t love reading, I would never have developed a love for writing. If I didn’t love the stories and characters I read in books, I would never have discovered the love I have for analyzing and discussing them. I would never have learned about the relationship between literature and culture, that I love learning about historical context, the art of interpretation, or linguistics, things like that. Ever since I stopped reading piles of books or trade paperbacks of comics from the library, I’ve said to myself every few months “I miss reading”, “I want to get back into reading”. 

It’s not like I haven’t read anything since I was nineteen. Of course I have. I read all five books in the A Song of Ice and Fire series in the span of a year. I read monthly releases of DC comics for years, picked up pulpy romance novels ‘just as a palate cleanser!’, I tried starting book clubs with friends, promises of ‘I won’t buy or borrow any books until I read the ones I have’. And then I’d get through a few chapters of whatever I picked up only to put it down for the last time. I’ve made some progress! I read A Song of Achilles and Circe by Madelline Miller, Skyward by Brandon Sanderson, I accidentally read the sequel to Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter? In the last year. And I’ve gotten further in a lot of the books I’ve picked up than before. I’ve been reading manga more than anything the last few years. My Hero Academia, Spy x Family, My Dress-up Darling, Dungeon Meshi, Demon Slayer, One Piece, all stories I’ve enjoyed and have a lot to say about! I re-read the last six volumes of Demon Slayer a few weeks ago and wrote an entire comment section dissertation about it, the latest installment in a series that serves as the quiet void I shout into.

The first step for me was probably accepting that I’m never going to be able to read like I did in middle school. That’s okay, right? I might not have a JOB, but I am a grown-up with grown-up things to do. And it’s not like I’ve been sitting on my ass the whole time. I’ve learned so much, like how to actually form opinions, how to interpret text, how to analyze properly, how to do research, how to really write, among so many other things. Things I had to teach myself. I know, they say ‘the best writers are also prolific readers’. I believe that, I really do. I would never claim that I’m some genius writer and better than people who have gone to school for this or are so well-read that it improves their prose by default. What I am saying is that…I want to get there. I miss reading. 

So, I set a small goal for myself. There are so many books out there that I want to read. And sure, my little local library has a limited catalog, and Libby has at least two weeks’ waits on everything, and I can’t afford to buy books brand new, but we can only work with what we have, not what we don’t. I’ve decided to read one contemporary book, one classic, and one (ish) manga a month. Sure, there are going to be some blurred lines here, but I think we’re all mature enough to handle that. I’m going to define ‘classics’ as anything more than a century old. Slaughterhouse Five is newer than that but it is taught as a classic and on my TBR, so maybe it will count as a classic for that month. Who knows? We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. And if the manga is long, say, more than three hundred chapters, then I might split it into two months. 

With that being said, my picks for November are: A Hero of France by Alan Furst, Tolkien’s translation of Beowulf, and for the manga, Bleach.

My local library had a book sale recently. I bought a hundred and thirty books for eighty-five dollars in two trips. Not all of them are novels! I’m very proud of the memoirs and other non-fiction books I got. But that should keep me occupied for a good while yet. Not to mention the books I already have. That Furst novel is one of the ones I picked up last year at the book sale. It’s historical fiction about an agent in the French Resistance. I like historical fiction, I think it’s a versatile genre for both readers and writers. I read about half of a book called Lion’s Blood that was alternate US History last year that I’m gonna have to go back to because I STILL think about it. Anyway, that Furst novel. I’m about halfway through and I’m going to finish it. I’m invested enough to see it through, and I’m enjoying the experience. When I finish it and have had some time to collect my thoughts, you’ll be hearing them. 

While at that book sale, my almost nine-year-old became infatuated with a book. He liked the cover and title so much that he wanted me to buy it for him. I told him, “Buddy, this book would be a tough read for a grown-up.” He said he would figure it out, that he would ask for help when he needed it. The book was a dollar, so I bought it. I can’t say I’ve ever read Clive Cussler, but if I can help him understand it, I can be persuaded to read dry historical fiction. I know enough about WWII to explain what’s going on to him. It’s not on my list to get done by the end of November, but it is a high priority read. 

I picked Beowulf (and this translation) specifically because A) I know how influential Beowulf is on western storytelling, B) I’m a fan of Tolkien as a writer as well as his love of and gift for languages, C) I watched Monstrum’s episode on Grendel’s Mother and the Cardinal West YouTube documentary on Tolkien in the last few months, both of which I enjoyed a lot, and finally D) I’m a fan of Dr. Chase from The Best of Fantasy. My friend was kind enough to surprise me with a shiny new copy. It’s probably going to be a difficult read for me. I plan on taking notes and going slow to really digest it. I’m also trying to talk my mom into a buddy read, but we’ll see how the cookie actually crumbles with that one. 

Now, for how I landed on Bleach. I watched the entirety of Naruto and Shippuden (yes, even the filler) back in 2020, 2021, and then binged One Piece in 2023 into the early part of this year. So, of course, the insufferable nerd in me said ‘I want to be able to say I’ve seen the Big Three’. So I watched the anime. I wasn’t that impressed with it. Yes, certain characters stayed in my brain, yes I LOVE the Thousand Year Blood War (I’m currently behind), but it didn’t really hit me like Naruto and One Piece did. I thought the passion of the fandom might get me more into it. I tried art, lore videos, discussion, analysis, and that did help! But Bleach just…kinda fell by the wayside for me. A lot of fans say the anime isn’t as good as the manga, but it’s a long series. I didn’t have the time or energy to commit, especially when I had other series I was actually into to follow. I do follow One Piece, Spy x Family, and My Dress-up Darling on release. I followed MHA for more than three years week to week, only binging the last hundred or so chapters last month after its conclusion. 

And then AJ dropped his video titled ‘The Hollow Melancholy of Bleach’. It brings up some of the feelings I had watching the Fullbringer Arc and the Thousand Year Blood War and expresses something the anime just…didn’t capture for me. But that video and Geoff Thew from Mother’s Basement’s video on Bleach finally sold me. It took me a couple weeks, according to the notes I’ve been taking I started on October fourteenth. 

The manga is fantastic. I tried for thirty chapters a day and haven’t been as consistent as I’d like, but I’m in the two-sixties now. The art is beautiful, the character writing is great, the fights are intense, the vibes immaculate and the emotions are SO deep, so complex and resonant. I am so glad I jumped in, and I’m going to continue to take notes as I go. 

Reading isn’t the only thing I do, obviously. My first love will always be writing. I took a bit of a break cough-BookTube-cough, but picking it back up is always a joy. I’ll probably be spending some time in front of my white board in the near future working out some world building details that were not super relevant till now. I watched Jake over at Nerd Level Rising talk to Christopher Ruocchio and was sent into a PANIC over idiolects and regional dialect features, which I’ve been doing all along, just not enough? I guess? I looked everything over and did some light edits, took some notes to make things more consistent. Culture is a complex web, all interconnected and inseparable from the individual parts. Building them is hard work, a job that never seems to end, even if the document of notes is for me, not the hypothetical reader. 

You could say that I was too heavily influenced by long form stories with extended casts, because even though I’m closing in on a hundred and seventy thousand words, I’m in part two of…five? Maybe? In epic fantasy, there are so many moving parts to keep track of at any given moment aside from the nuts and bolts of prose and pacing. I worry all the time that everything I have is trash, and even if it isn’t, it would never get picked up by a trad publisher and I won’t be able to afford self-publishing. I’ve had some other sets of eyes on my prologue as alpha readers. Positive, encouraging feedback that I’m grateful for! It’s not the same thing as having someone who’s familiar with the story, who knows where my head is at, where I’m going. I don’t write to publish, I do it because I love it. But I’ve been writing for twenty years, and actively working to get better at it for fifteen of them. There’s just nothing to show for it. Everything I’ve finished has ended up in an old computer’s recycle bin or in a literal paper shredder, with abandoned works in progress along the way. As terrifying as it is to expose yourself to the light, it’s impossible to soak in the warmth of sunlight in the dark. 

I’m going back to the grindstone when I’m done here. I won’t give up. 

Other than all the YouTube distractions and trying to rightfully earn the title of bibliophile, I’ve been trying to watch shows again. Just a few things. I watched Kaguya-sama: Love is War and loved it, enough to put the manga on my TBR. I finally got around to watching Frieren: Beyond Journey’s End with the same result. I watched Dungeon Meshi twice, read the manga front to back. What a story! I’ve been meaning to write an essay on it, but I can’t imagine having anything to say that hasn’t already been said. I watched Mob Psycho 100 and can’t express enough how much it resonated with me. For the first time, I watched Over the Garden Wall. The kerfluffle on Twitter over it being removed and restored to Hulu recently had me digging that up. Quality Culture did a great essay on that series last year which I highly recommend. My friends have been obsessed with the new Interview With the Vampire series, enough to read the books, so I watched three episodes of season one and liked it a lot. I’ll get around to it. I watched Steven Universe: Future, which I’ve been wanting to for a while. We watched the main series with our kids and enjoyed it, and I thought the sequel series built on the themes and story well.

And like everyone else in the anime community right now, I’m watching Dandadan. It’s GREAT. The animation, the sound design and OST, the character writing, the action, all of it is just stunning. It’s funny and got a lot of heart to it. Momo and Okarun are so cute. I haven’t watched the new set of episodes in the Thousand Year Blood War yet, but I’ll catch up in the next week or so. I’ve been impressed with this adaptation, especially with the old series not really pulling me in until its final episodes. Not only is it visually enrapturing, it really hits on the atmosphere and emotions; not just in service to the story but truly elevates the material. 

With all the things I take in, it’s probably no surprise that there’s no less than five trains of thought going on at any given time. That video Tale Foundry did last week about Weird Tales and pulp fantasy, and this comment arguing that the fanfic community has stepped in to fill that niche? Yeah, I’m still thinking about it. Zoe Bee’s most recent drop about how metaphor influences the way we think and how that relates to politics? Of course I’m thinking about it! Not just about how it affects rhetoric but how it affects diction in prose, which is more my wheelhouse. Princess Weekes’ follow up to her ‘Tall, Dark and Racially Ambiguous’ essay surrounding casting Heathcliff gave me food for thought, and Jess of the Shire’s fantastic essay ‘Monstrosity & the Vampire’ did too. Tim over at Hello Future Me did a video about ‘Arcology: The City in the Image of Man’ and I’m still chewing on that one too. How could I not? The ideas presented there are FASCINATING, big picture questions about structuring society and the growing subgenre of solarpunk. Broey Deschanel and Final Girl Studios both doing amazing videos on The Substance? Of course I’m over here thinking about them! Final Girl Studios’ essay is called ‘The Simulacrum of Feminine Performance’, how could I not sit here and think about that, and what that is, and what that means?? And on top of all that, I opted into a DnD one shot in a couple weeks! Gonna need a character for that, one that’s PG…man, I’ve been busy! 

[jackoshadows]

Maybe it's just me but I'm laughing my ass off that the current Stansa trend is trying to sell themselves as super-duper Marxist Communists who are into ASOIAF for deep anti-monarchist reasons, only after they finally figured out themselves that a book-QitN title will hardly be in from them. After they were parading around their pro-Stark monarchy Sophie pictures proudly for such a long time. It's as capitalist, self-indulgent type of privileged mindset of spoilt kiddo fucks as u can get.

I think they are trying to sell themselves as super-duper marxist communists because they think that's what book Sansa is!! I am not kidding. I saw a post the other day that Westeros will need a king Arthur type at the end and that will be Sansa or posts that Sansa will be elected to queen by the Freefolk!!

That's why we get the constant whitewashing of Sansa as this kind, compassionate, gentle and caring character, you know 'the embodiment of hope for the future' as one bnf put it, the reformer who will rebuild the North, while the actual reformers like Dany and Jon will be dead or exiled and Arya will just fuck off to nowhere.

The same folks who are performatively outraged for made up headcanons like Rhaegar is racist towards Elia will be writing or reblogging essays on how Jon appreciated Sansa's kindness in treating him like a bastard and that Sansa was kind and polite in her bigotry towards Jon 🤗, justifying Catelyn's emotional abuse of Jon, blame Arya for trying to help Mycah, shrug off Sansa's bullying/mocking of Arya as 'siblings being siblings' and blame Arya for the sister's contentious relationship, criticize Dany for not reading Marx's Critique of Political Economy before freeing the slaves, ignore Tywin's abuse of Tyrion, Sansa's ableism towards SweetRobin etc.

The number of times I have commented under an artist's art and tried to explain to them why drawing canonically inaccurate Arya/Jon/Ned in darker shades compared to the bright haired/eyed/fair skinned Sansa/Cat/Robb is problematic and has racist implications and instead of understanding where poc are coming from with this, there is more justification and 'everyone else is doing it' responses from the artists.

Unfortunately the asoiaf fandom is not a progressive one. They are certainly not anti monarchy marxist communists 😂. A lot of these posts are about using the real pain of racism, classism, colonialism, imperialism for ship wars and hating on characters while being racist, classist, sexist and espousing colonialist/imperialist worldviews themselves. It's tiresome, it's exhausting and I have no time for this nonsense anymore.

[duck-in-a-thrift-store]

Personal rant bc we haven't gotten my official results yet but we did get a very stressful phone call about it, and because adhd has been kicking my ass lately. This is going to be long and rambly and all over the place, and if you're anti self-dx, I wouldn't suggest reading further (or interacting with me in general). It also sort of becomes just me psychoanalyzing my own behavior and infodumping about it

-------------------------------------------------------

For context, I'm autistic and adhd, and I went and talked to a psychologist a couple weeks ago and had some testing done

Personally, I don't really feel the need to have an official diagnosis for autism. I'm confident in my informed self-diagnosis (technically it was actually my parents who first suggested I might be autistic but I've learned a lot about it since then and now I'm pretty sure I'm more convinced than they are) and I just don't think a doctor's note will do much for me (totally understand and support anyone who does want to get diagnosed tho). Adhd however is another story. If I want meds that will actually work and accommodations with my school, they need proof, and as things are I am desperate for some help.

So the appointment I had a couple weeks ago was supposed to be for adhd testing, but apparently he also lowkey tested me for autism while we were there. Which like, fine, whatever, it would be sort of nice to have that validated I guess, but when we checked back in with him on the phone earlier this week he started using outdated and problematic terms like high-functioning and aspergers and I'll just say that it did not exactly inspire confidence

But that can of worms aside, let me get back to (mostly) adhd related ranting

I feel like there could be an essay about how the diagnostic process for adhd is flawed and doesn't work all that well for people who have an internalized notion that their worth as a person is dependent on their academic success and task performance and therefore spent their childhood and adolescence funneling all their efforts time and attention into school and generally being seen as a good well-behaved bright kid out of desperation to have value (and it worked- I've always made good grades, but what people don't see is the days, weeks, months of paralyzed procrastination, the anxiety-fueled mad rush in the end to get things done late, and the grace I'm inexplicably shown every time, without which my grades would be much worse)

I'm scared, that I'm going to be determined "too high functioning" to be diagnosed even though I'm currently doing basically nothing with my life outside of college and yet I'm technically failing like half of my classes right now, that they're going to say "well the signs weren't there when you were younger" even though there's a variety of explanations for why that might be, not the least of which being the fact that for some folks with both autism and adhd the traits of the two have a tendency to "hide" one another

Apparently he also ran an iq test on me, and he broke down the 5 scores to us; I scored in the upper average/above average bracket in all but the 4th, processing speed, in which I'm below average. And like yeah, I'm well aware that I'm slow, but I guess it's official now-

Anyway, my main point with the iq thing was that while he was telling us about my high scores in the first 3 areas, I'm sitting here getting more and more uneasy, bc I'm like yeah sure I'm intelligent or whatever but it isn't worth shit if I can't motivate myself to actually do anything with that potential, and the conditions under which I was tested just don't reflect my day to day life closely enough to give an accurate reading, in my opinion.

Basically I'm afraid this guy is going to look at the results of some tests- tests which I was really focused on bc of the intrinsic fear of failure that plagues my existence (even though rationally I know you can't fail a psychological evaluation) and bc I know it's a bitch of a process to even get tested in the first place and I wasn't going to waste the opportunity goddammit-

That he's going to look at them and decide that I'm "too smart" to have a learning disability, when, again, all the brains in the world wouldn't do me any good if I

1) don't have the ability to self-motivate and direct them at what I need to be working on, even if I've been beating myself up about that pile of homework or my disaster of a room for weeks or even months, and

2) have such a loose grasp on the concept of time and priorities that I have on multiple occasions found myself pulling all-nighters on personal projects or reading for pleasure or scrolling on my phone only to realize oh shit I have to get up for school in like two hours, oh fuck, I'm going to be exhausted all day, what happened to "let's go to sleep early this time, I'll just do this for like 5 more minutes and then call it a night"

or realize after one of those all-nighters that what was actually a period of about 10 hours feels more like 10 minutes to me ("man wasn't I literally just here to get dinner" the next morning, passing the caf on my way to class on exactly 0 hours of sleep and still having managed not to get any of my actual class work done in all that time)

And also just that tendency in itself is significant, to get so deeply hooked on something once it does manage to get my attention, that I often feel like I can't stop until outside forces demand it- staying up until 4am on a school night painting my phone case and texting my crush (14 or 15), making bracelet after bracelet at the kitchen table at ungodly hours of the night because I couldn't sleep and now that I'm on a roll I don't want to break the momentum (18, a few months ago), throwing horrific amounts of time at reading fanfiction of whatever series currently has my interest when I have so much work that needs to get done if I want to have a chance at passing my courses this semester (18, basically present), making a last minute birthday present for my aunt and being so caught up in the rush and the craft of what I was working on that I ignored my body's needs until I ended up pissing myself (12), etc

The fact that I've been meaning to catch up with my high school friends for weeks or months, literally something as simple as a "how have yall been" in the group chat, yet for some reason I still haven't gotten around to it

The fact that for all my alleged intelligence I still haven't learned to ride a bike or drive a car or apply for a job or develop a work-life balance or play any of the instruments I want to or have a thriving social life or feel like a person (I think these are more autism-related but I'm throwing them in anyway)

The fact that minor (or even just mistakenly perceived) disapproval or judgment or teasing or having a text left on read can send me spiraling into anxiety and convinced that everyone hates me and that I'm worthless or obnoxious or stupid (rejection sensitivity is a bitch)

The fact that when I try to read I have to make a constant conscious effort not to jump ahead and all over the place and I often have to reread the same passage multiple times to understand it because I realize that I wasn't actually paying attention the first couple of times, my mind elsewhere and my eyes wandering

I know even if I do get diagnosed they'll say it's inattentive, not hyperactive or combined, because the majority of my hyperactivity is either fairly subtle movements (because I'm socially anxious and clumsy and don't want to draw attention to myself or run the risk of breaking or disturbing something) or just straight up in my head. Like sure I'm not a nine year old boy who can't sit still in class and is constantly bouncing around all over the place and getting into trouble and driving his parents and teachers crazy (bc being seen as annoying and unruly by authority figures would have broken me), but there's always so much noise in my brain, it's always talking or playing music in the background or thinking about the 47 different projects I need to be working on and the media it wants to be engaging with instead and the 1000s of things there are to worry about in a day; sometimes I'll get stuck in a loop where I'm mentally repeating a word or phrase over and over and over again until I feel like I'm going crazy

All of this is stuff that this guy doesn't see, and that worries me when it comes to the validity of his assessment

But basically, what I'm trying to say is, I swear to god if the people around me don't believe that there's clearly something not neurotypical going on here I'm going to fucking riot

And, ranting aside, I want to end this post with a note to all my fellow neurodiverse folks who are waiting for answers or treatment or validation or support or whatever.

I feel you. Hang in there. You have my well wishes in your endeavors. And remember, it's ok to be happy with or proud of who you are and what makes you different, it's ok to embrace your neurodiversity while also acknowledging how difficult it can be to live with and the fact that you might need extra time or support with things that seem to come easily to other people. It's ok to admit that it's fucking hard sometimes, and it's ok to ask for help. Take care, mates